


I want to hold your hand

by AKZoey



Series: But I still have the fantasy of holding your hand [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Not Actually Unrequited Love, Possibly Unrequited Love, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 09:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18246827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AKZoey/pseuds/AKZoey
Summary: "Do not talk nonsense, Potter," Severus retorted coldly, though the sudden drop in the firmness in his voice accused him of lack of certainty.Orthe one in which James is supported by his friends to if confess the your long-standing passion. All good, easy.The only problem is that James's long-standing passion does not seem to have a crush on him.





	I want to hold your hand

**Author's Note:**

> I'm horrible with markings, please do not take it seriously! 
> 
> Studio: Peter is only there as a helper, he does not participate much. Lily is just quoted. James is the protagonist. Remus is a good friend. Sirius is more like a friend of Oz. Severus just wants to read your book in peace, thank you.
> 
> My English is not one of the best, forgive any mistakes.

**Oh yeah, I'll tell you something**

**I think you'll understand**

**When I say that something**

In the Gryffindor dormitory, James Potter paced. The water was falling hard outside the castle and he wished he had never opened his stupid big mouth. But James's inner body was itching, his hands burned to barely _touch_ , and now he had no control over himself, quickly getting feverish and breathless as he stared into those immense cold eyes.

That was all very ridiculous. So James did not think twice before sending a note to his friends saying he wanted to talk to them after class.

Now, Sirius and Remus sat on the couch, frozen and unresponsive. Peter fell to the floor. They looked at James after he great revelation, as if they did not believe what was hearing. Yeah, maybe Peter was right and he'd been cursed with a love potion, because surely no one could be so perfect, right? Much less pleasant to look at, and her voice had no way to be so hoarse and thick, just right to ferment thoughts ...

It was certainly a potion.

While James was nervous at the silence of his friends, Sirius felt he was dreaming, swimming in a horrible, endless nightmare. It had to be a joke. But no matter how hard he tried to smile, his mouth suddenly seemed loose from his body. Peter chewed his nails, looking at everyone, maybe he was more nervous than James himself. Remus, the rational, took 5 minutes to process the information and sighed, tired.

"You have to tell him." Remus said seriously. The book of Divination closed in your hands.

James turned to his friend with impressive speed, his expressionless face.

"Are you crazy, Monny?" James asked, shaking his arms as if trying to explain something very difficult, but he had no words. "I can not just ... not after what we've done."

"You'll never know if you do not try, James, think about it, this is our senior year." Remus sighed, throwing his arms up.

Sirius stood up, throwing an arm around James's shoulders.

"Yes! Yes, James! And also, who knows if the next time we see him he's ... on the other side."

The silence reigned. That, for more than James hated to admit, it was a probability. And he was scared. In the third year, this was the daily theme of his nightmares: seeing him in long dark robes, wearing a mask and a large number of deaths in his document on James's desk. Not! Just to think of it, the terror entered James's body. Sweat gradually accumulated in his hands and foreheads.

"I do not ..." James breathed with difficulty. He felt himself lose the strength of his body and sat down. "I'm trying not to think about it. I want to believe that he does not really support these things, that there's a human part in there, just waiting for a hand to hold ... but, I feel that no matter what i want to believe, if he really is fixed with it in the head, there is no one who can make he change your mind."

Remus held in his hand, catching his attention. He watched him with an enviable calm, his eyes too old for such a new face.

"You may be the hand he expects James, or you may be another foot that kicks him to the bottom." Remus looked at the wide, ugly scars that surrounded his hands and forearms, the reason for the hated question _still hurts?_. "Everyone needs help. A second chance." 

"I am afraid." James revealed, his voice low and weak. "Sometimes I do not know why- I'm not a bad person, but-" His clear eyes glittered with fear as he stared at his only friends, his lips trembling. "I only insult him, I curse him in the corridors, I destroy his notebooks, I play tricks on him, I humiliate him and tell him to die in some hole." He paused to control himself, the desperation visible in his tone. Remus watched him worried. "But that's not ... That can not be further from the truth!" James took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "I want to hug him, Moony. I want to hold him. I want to ask about your past, wipe your tears, I want to make he smile, a smile real. But I just ... I just make _mistakes_ , constantly, and I do not have a big reason for that. I never went through difficulties, I have a family that loves me and I have friends ... "

"James-" Sirius mutters at the disturbed air of his friend.

"Sometimes I think-"

"Calm down, because you're so-"

"... I think I'm a monster."

James buried his face in his hands, his shoulders tense and trembling.

A sigh. Then the arms wrap around his body, pulling him into a hug. He thinks it's Sirius until he recognizes the chocolate-impregnating scent. James finally sighs, relaxing his body. He did not know he needed it until Remus hugged him. Was good. It was as if he were sharing some of the weight of the world that was on his shoulders with someone. Maybe it was.

"You're not a monster." Remus's quiet voice resonates around the room. James raises his head that was hidden in his chest. "Never say that again."

Sirius smiles with a frightening softness.

"Yes, have you seen your Animagus? That does not even scare the Canine."

This brings out a laugh from James. He should feel insulted, but ...

"And do not worry, we'll help you get the Snotty, even though I think there are better choices." Sirius mocks, diverting from a punch.

"Not."James bites his lips. "Forget it, it was stupid."

Sirius frowns between his eyebrows.  
"But James-"

"I do not want to be rejected." James counts, his hands wiggling nervously into the mess of hair. "He'll think it's a joke and he'll ... laugh at me."

"Are you sure about this, James?" Remus pronounces himself, his face indecipherable. "Life is made up of regrets and moments. It's so short, despite the world being huge. Are you sure you will not regret it. And wondering years later what could have happened. What could have changed?

"Not." James sighed heavily.

"Then why?"

"Because I was an idiot." James said in a genuine, genuine voice. It seemed to Remus that he was already living with regrets. "I screwed up. There is no turning back." he repeated. "There is no turning back."

Moony's eyebrows lifted, and he sighed too.

"The next time you see him, be on a battlefield."

"I do not want to, Moony, but ..." There were so many notes of regret in his voice that it hurt Remus to listen. "What will he say? What if he rejects me? I'm afraid."

"If he rejects you, well, it will not be the end of the world. You will have done everything you could and years later, you will have that feeling." he said firmly.

James looked at his friend and his lips joined in a thin line. Somehow crazy, Remus was right. He always was. But talking was easy, biting his lips uncertainly, James wondered if he would finally feel the pain of Severus after so many pranks. Because he was sure he would be rejected, anyway.

"Per where ... should I start? "James asked feeling uncertain.

Sirius smiled, a smile full of pointed teeth.

"Buy new clothes for him." he remembered. "And shampoo."

Peter laughed, sounding like a choking rat.  
And no longer being able to stop himself, James surrendered to a good laugh. It was hard to leave some habits.

Remus rolled his eyes, though he had a small smile hidden in the corner of his mouth.

**I wanna hold your hand**

**I wanna hold your hand**

**I wanna hold your hand**

 

It was hard to imagine Albus Dumbledore eating something that was not sweet, but it was harder to imagine James Potter, the great catcher, the most coveted and popular boy in Hogwarts, in love.

But this was not a dream, however much Sirius had tried to believe.

Especially per that Slytherin.

James turned his eyes back to the fireplace in the bedroom, took a deep breath, holding back his eyelids and ... he then stood up from the couch that was sitting, his eyes uncertain despite his confident posture.

"I'm ready." he said, bending down to pick up his famous cloak of invisibility in the trunk.  
He stood up, giving a little look of thanks to his friends and smiled.

"Thanks, fellas."

His friends smiled, too.

James threw the cloak over his body and went out to the first floor looking for the snake that had been occupying his thoughts and dreams for the past few years. As he walked along the corridors, he felt something he had rarely experienced in his life, and which he had never known to identify. He felt her stomach turn, her mouth dry ... He felt insecure.

Soon he, James Potter ...

He was handsome, he was a great duelist, he was flying like no one, and ... He was unsure of himself.

What if Severus wanted him not?

What if he was not good enough for Snape's standards?

He swallowedhard, facing the door, and opened it, removing the cloak as she entered and closed it.

Severus, who read absently sitting on his back a book, turned back with a critical countenance.

"Snape." James said, and Severus's eyebrow drew in suspicion and secret surprise. Snape? Since when had Potter renounced the habit of calling him Snotty?

"Potter." He answered dryly, turning his cold black eyes to the book of potions he leafed through.

Prongs hesitated.

 _Should_ he leave?

 _Should_ he lea-

"We We have to talk." He said, when the silence became too much.

This exited without his realizing it, and his eyes widened as soon as he spoke those words. Whence those two seconds of insane courage had come, he did not know, but it was done.

Now there was no turning back.

He needed to talk, there and now.

The hour had come.

Snape hesitated a bit in replying, but he took a deep breath, snorted, and turned in his chair, as if wishing it were over soon.

Maybe he thought James was going to force him to swallow some Zonko's product that would make him swell like a balloon or have his face filled with a lot of boils, or maybe he was just going to hit him there in the stillness of the night.

"I'm listening, Potter." he said without emotion, though there was a slight trace of threat in his tone of voice. "But of course, take your time candy."

For a second, James felt intimidated. But he would not leave without an answer, no matter what.

He approached, drawing courage.

"I want to apologize."

Severus blinked, static, and inclined his head slightly, thinking he was having some kind of auditory hallucination.

"Pardon?"

"I want to apologize ..." Potter repeated, scratching the back of his neck. "For everything." He added, swallowing hard.

Snape looked at him blankly, not knowing what to answer.

He stood there, staring at Potter, who avoided his gaze, not knowing what to say.

After a few minutes, swallowing hard, James lifted his almond-shaped, honest, wailing eyes.

"You will not ..." he asked, afraid. "... speak nothing?"

**Oh please, say to me**

**You'll let me be your man**

 

Snape seemed to if recover of his speech. He threw back his head in a loud, forced laughter.

"Is that some kind of joke?" he asked, his cheeks and neck red. "Where are Black and Peter?"

"It's not a joke, it's not a game." James's chest tightened, as if he'd been thrown into the lake and desperately in need of air. "I'm really sorry."

"So, out of nowhere?" Severus sneered. "Yesterday you were calling me scum and said that I should jump off the astronomy tower."

"That ..." James realized how stupid it had been. "It was not true."

Severus simply sighed and turned his attention to the worn book in his hands. _So it would be like this?_ James looked at Severus's back, miserable, and came over to sit on the chair beside him.

He stared at him in sadness, waiting for him to say something. Anything. But Snape ignored his presence and remained absorbed in reading his textbook. After a few minutes with James silently at his side, Severus then turned, annoyed, and snorted deeply.

"Now, please, can you leave me alone? You've already taken away everything I had, and if you really regret it, I think I deserve some of the peace of mind that you denied me for those six years." Severus said with indifference, slightly twitching his lips.

James sighed deeply.

"Yes?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrows. "Can I help you with _anything else_ , Potter?"

James downloaded his eyes, desolate, it seemed to Severus that he was the great villain there and James a dog kicked...

"You do not understand, do you?" James said, sighing.

"I do not understand what, Potter?" He narrowed his eyes, annoyed.

Potter then hesitated, retreating back, and feeling his breath subside, fail.

"I like you, Severus."

Severus said nothing, frowning. He analyzed it with skepticism, little inclined to believe in that theater.

"Merlin, Porter. You must have no ideas best to come with this stupid joke."

"This is not a joke!" James shouted, his face filled with humiliation and sadness.

"That was this a brilliant idea of Remus or-"

"Remus has nothing to do with it." He defended friend, his shoulders tense.

"Well, you certainly have a weird way of showing what you feel about the people you care through the." Severus said dryly, and returned to his reading.

But James was not having any of it.

"Snape, drop that stupid book and look at me!"

In an abrupt move, he threw the book away with a decision impulsive.

The object crawled across the floor.

James could almost hear Remus calling him an idiot in his head.

"This is the Potter I know," Severus said scornfully. "Now, can you please attack me soon and leave? The curfew will ring in a few minutes, and I do not want to stay in detention because of you."

"No! Severus, listen to me ..." He took the Slytherin's hand, which widened his eyes, amazed for a moment. "I like you, I really do. And I ..." He hesitated, but he remembered what Remus had told him. _At least you will have done everything you can_. "I want you to go with me to Hogsmend."

"Do not talk nonsense, Potter," Severus retorted coldly, though the sudden drop in the firmness in his voice accused him of lack of certainty. "You like Lily, and she likes you. You do not have a crush on me, nor have you ever had it. _Actually_ , I think you just like your reflection, that shameful."

Severus sighed heavily, his cheeks red.

"And if I was really into it, _into boys_ , you would not be my first choice, or the third, or the main one."

James lowered his eyes to the floor, guilty and spoke in a murmur

"But I can change, if you give me a chance."

"A chance _for what,_ Potter?" he asked impatiently. "To hurt my best friend's feelings and if to become a bigger idiot? to humiliate me still more in front of the school and all your friends?"

He looked up at Severus, feeling his eyes wet and burning, he shuddered, but did not cry. He never cried.

"No, Severus. To prove that I can be better, better _for_ you, better _per_ your. "

Snape frowned, and backed away. His enemy seemed so fragile, there, so sincere, so sensitive... He did not look like James Potter at all. Not the James Potter what Snape knows and definitely not the James Potter the whole school believed to be real.  
At the end of it all, the pretty idiot-faced boy really had a heart.

A heart that, who would say?, Pulsed harder for him.

He hesitated, uncertain, but definitely surprised.

"Look, James ..." Severus savored the name on his tongue, it was difficult to call him by his first name, and the words formed a bitter name, maybe it was just his antipathy. "I think you might be confused, or whatever. .. But this is all very absurd. You do not have a crush on me. You hate me to the bone. "

James sighed and took hold of Severus' hands again, a little smaller than hers.

"You're right, I do not have a crush on you."

Snape continued to stare at him, suspecting that perhaps he was as confused as himself. However, as soon as James said those words, he squeezed her hand, stronger, caressing him.

And after a few seconds of deep silence, he said, adding,

"… I'm in love with you."

And he raised his face again, looking into the Slytherin's eyes to say those words to her. James's breathing failed, his balance fading. If he had not been seated, he would have fallen.

And then, undressing all his layer of protection molded in ignorance, James closed his eyes in the light of the moonlight that invaded the monumental window of Victorian stained glass in Hogwarts. And then, James's lips met those maddening, wet lips, the to touch of lips was firm, but still with delicacy, James's affection. It was all he could ever dream of.

"Potter- James, I-" Severus tried to pull away, his breathing heavy. "I not-"

" _I know_! Shit!  I _know, all good?_ " James said, the whisper dying in the kiss unanswered. There, lost in intoxication of those soft lips, he could almost ignore the pain in his chest. "Just leave me- let me stay like this for a moment, please."

 **And** **please, say to me**

**You'll let me hold your hand**

**Now let me hold your hand**

**I want to hold your hand**

 


End file.
